that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Randomize
