So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
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