oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
