i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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