Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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