I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
