k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Randomize
