the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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