i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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