sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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