you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
