People with herpes should wear stickers.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
