Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
pray to the hookup gods
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
