my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Randomize
