I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
And then my night got REAL pukey
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
