oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
