I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
She needs sedatives and a leash
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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