why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
