I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
