By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
