Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
