So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
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