"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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