Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
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