Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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