running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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