Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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