I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
