Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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