Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
