frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
