I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
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