i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
