sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I met the friendliest cop last night
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
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