My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Let's paint friendship bongs
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize