Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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