so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
