i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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