Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Randomize
