Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
