What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
