you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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