he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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