This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
