I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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