# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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