remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
