I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
