Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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