1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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