You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Randomize
