So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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