How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
