I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
